Another long weekend, another trip. Another day spent sitting in various airports. Another entrance into my empty room. Another Sunday night back in my own bed.
My own bed. Its mine, but its not. I haven't had a bed that I felt right in in a long time. My El Paso bed is too firm, my sheets too coarse, my single pillow too flat. The bed at Ralph and Karen's house has a down mattress pad that makes my legs hot and sweaty and the 30 pillows Karen has thoughtful stored there take up half the damn thing. My Iraq bed was just plain nasty as fuck and the bed in my old room was lost to my brother along with the room and half the shit in it.
In a way I've been homeless since I lost that last bed. I always have a bed, but never one that makes you feel how your bed should feel. I don't know exactly how to express it, but its a feeling I had once. I think everyone has it, or at least everyone who has a home, not-just-a-house type thing going on.
I've slept in other's beds and I could tell they felt it. In a few of those beds I felt it a little myself. Not just comfort, but safety and familiarity. Its like your bed is a loved one to some extent.
Maybe that's why letting someone sleep in your bed can sometimes be more awkward than fucking them; sex is sex, but having someone sleep in your bed is something else.
I am considering not posting this because honestly its shit writting. That is to say its worse than the usual shit. It sucks so bad because I'm failing at explaining the point in any meaningful way. I have a few coherent thoughts on what makes the bed I sleep in My bed verus the bed I sleep in, but I have a lot of feelings about it.
I know the feeling of having a bed and I know the feeling of not. I know how it feels to share a bed with someone you love like family and how it feels to share a bed with someone you love-love. And I know the weird feeling of sharing your bed with someone that you kinda feel shouldn't be sleeping in your bed (or you in theirs) no matter what the two of you just did in/on that bed.
I feel it, I just can't figure out how to say it.