Monday, August 30, 2010

I Did Smoke Gummy Worms Once, But I Didn't Inhale...

I have not been a smoker for long. In fact I wouldn't really call myself a smoker at all, seeing as how I have no more than three a day, unless I get drunk. (We will ignore for now the frequency of that.)
Yet as anyone who smokes anything (dope, crack, meth, gummy worms wrapped in computer paper, ect...) even just socially can tell you Bic lighters have powers. They are gregarious by nature it seems, but hold no loyalty to those who purchase them. They hold no loyalty to those who painstakingly use their knives to remove the idiotic child-safety mechanism after one too many drinks. They hold no loyalty to those whose rescue them off the street or pocket them off the back stairs. No, a Bic lighter will jump ship on you at any moment, for any reason. And not even a good reason. They don't end up in the purse of the girl with the most cigarrettes. They don't end up in the pocket of the guy who has the weed. They don't leave you for greener pastures and funner parties. They just go, and you will never, ever, ever know to where.
As for them being inherently social, its true. To other Bic lighters. One day you look down into the cupholder of your car and you have five. A true goldmine of portable fire that could change the course of history if they were sent back in time far enough. But the second you remove one and begin to use it the integrity of your stash is lost. You will lose that first lighter and when you go to get another from your car the other four have disapeared into the either. Presumably to join their friend you have just lost.
Some people might just think that its the normal way of the world that small, cheap, oft lent out things have a way of disapearing. Those people should go to fucking hell. I'm not even fucking around here, go to hell. I want no part of your shenanigans. Point is something is going on.
Maybe they migrate to have sex and give birth to those tiny little Bic lighters. Maybe they are drawn on a molecular level to congrigate in out of the way places and rarely used purses. But fucking something is going on here and I want to know what.
If you have any information about this drop me a line please.

1 comment:

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