Saturday, February 7, 2009

It Won't Be The Nicotine That Kills You...

You know what I want? Well a few things, but maybe most of all I want to be a Bad Guy in a Bond film. Not like an actor, I mean in real life. (You Only Live Twice is on and that is what is inspiring me to write currently.) And I don't want to be like the Arch-Villain, I want no part in policy-making or the setting of long-term goals, I want to be the guy with the out-dated sub-machine gun and single color jumpsuit. I want the matching hard-hat that defines my job by its color. You know; Blue means machine gunner, Red means Lab Tech, Yellow means something else. I want to fall off catwalks and get judo-chopped by Bond. I want it to be my lack of alertness or the ease with which I am distracted that leads to Bond's escape. I want the moon base, the volcano base, the secret oil tanker base, the underwater base. I never want to speak. I want to visit exotic locales and never be able to see them because I'm guarding the ray-gun. I want it all goddammit!
As you can tell, I give lots of thought to the "little people", because we all know that the Arch-Villains and the secret agents who kill them at the flick of a wrist sure don't. I always think about those guys, and not just when they die or run around in a panic, but before the Plan goes to shit. I think about them while they sit behind their 1970's computers and those huge audio recorders that spin ceaselessly in the background. These men and women have lives, and I really want to know about it. Like where are they from? What training do they have? Do they have families? And most importantly, how the fuck did they get that job? I mean are they contracted out or hired directly? Do they interview? What's the pay like and are their benefits? Do they get paid cash? Direct deposit? Are they employed by a dummy company, like "Clarke & Clarke Consulting"? How loyal to the cause are these guys? I mean do they know the Plan, or are they just there to make a buck? Do their supervisors put up Mission Statements in the breakroom? "Our goal is the complete and utter destruction of the world banking organization through nefarious and violent means. To achieve our goal everyone must always be sure to bring their best effort to the table, and remember that we are all on the same team." Do they have to have classes on Equal Opportunity and Sexual Harassment?
Do you think there is one guy out there who has worked for multiple Villains? Like he gets this job guarding the ray gun at the volcano base, and its an ok job. I mean he really doesn't have much in the way of options. Maybe he was a soldier right, but left the life. Thing was the economy wasn't so great and there aren't a lot of options for an uneducated guy whose only skill set is killing and obeying orders in the best of times. Somehow he falls into the job of Nameless Uniformed Guard and finds himself in a volcano with a ray gun. Then one day some suave Limey rolls up, kills the boss, blows up the ray gun and sets the volcano on fire. Next thing Nameless Guard knows he's swimming away from the island wondering what the fuck happened and supposing that he isn't getting this month's paycheck. So he's out of work again and as it so happens he hears of another opportunity. This time its some bald weirdo who has his own pet cause that he is spending his fortune on and he needs reliable men to watch out for his interests. Thing is his secret base is on the moon. Well we all wanted to be astronauts when we were kids, so he's guarding the moonbase. Well fucked if that same damn Brit doesn't roll on up to the moon and blow it all to hell again. And Nameless Guard's employer didn't spring for Escape Pods because that is an "unnecessary extra". Mr. Villain figures that everybody goes down with the ship if he does. But you and some co-workers (the brainy ones with the lab coats on who were working on all the science-y stuff. They only took the job because the pay is good and they have student loans to pay off from the 8 years of college that it took to get a Masters in fucking Chemical Biology. And really no one is hiring Chemical Biologists since the UN managed to pass a binding resolution banning all chemical weapons research and this girl geared her studies toward that speciality because as her dad always told her 'defense contracts will never dry up'.) manage to modify the lunar shuttle enough to get the fuck outta dodge before the moon gets a new crater. So our tragic hero is back on Terra and out of work. His only break is that since the British government doesn't want the world to know how close a billionaire madman came to killing the human race from his nifty base on the moon, he and the other handful of former employees of said madman are free from criminal prosecution.
But that is just an idea kicking around in my head. Now it is time for a drink.

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